Home > Categories > Slayers > Suimin no Gen'ei (Illusion of Sleep)

Rating: PG - drama - Posted: 30/11/2002 - Updated: 16/1/2005

Disclaimers: Standard. Don't own, non-profit, fanwork, etc Warnings: Lina's got a bit of a mouth, is all. Language.
Notes: This should be longer than it is, I know. But I stalled and realized it could be an epic, which I'm no good at finishing. Also, I take no responsibility for the title. Between three online translators, one translator program, one dictionary, and one textbook, I quit.

Summary: Gourry disappeared twenty years ago. Lina thinks he's dead, Amelia still hopes, and Zel's simply "gone to sleep." Who's right?


There was no passage of time to the Entity. As far as it was concerned, it would continue to be as it always had been. There was little else for it. It existed, pure and simple. It did not survive, for it had no more enemies, including nature. It did not live, for to do that one needed purpose and reason, and it had neither. So the only thing it could possibly be doing was existing.

It hadn't always been so. Once it had survived. Then it had lived. If it could still remember those times, it would feel either was better, and this lack of definition was a fate worse than death. Indeed, even death would be preferred to this non-living. But it couldn't remember, so it had nothing to compare to.

Actually, that isn't true. The Entity chose not to remember. Or if it did, it refused to act on those memories. To it, 'being' was the desired state. There was little chance of anything remotely negative happening, or anything harming it if there was no risk. Granted, there was an equal chance of nothing good happening either, but it felt willing to pay this price.

Sometimes, though, there were Others who tried to reach it. They were immediately seen as the enemy. They represented chance and possibility. Within Them lay the potential for the greatest of joys and the most heartbreaking of sorrows. Moreso the latter, for They carried with them memories, and these memories would only bring Pain. The Entity knew it could not allow that. The Pain would rip it to shreds and cast it to the four winds. There would be nothing left, not even this lifelessness it sat inside for its own protection. This was the last line, and it would keep Those who threatened it at bay.

They tried. They tried day in and day out for several months, until those months passed into a year, then years. It thought They would grow tired and give up. That would have been the hope if such a thing existed for the Entity anymore, but it didn't, and neither did They stop trying. There was a ritual to it now, though the Entity would not fall into the comfort of such a thing being familiar. It treated each attack as that, for it was nothing more or nothing less. They attacked viciously, striking at the Entity's mind, attempting to break down the barriers and force it to move beyond its current state. But the Entity held fast.

Nothing would make it feel again, despite the vague yet growing weakness of the past week. Even as a voice of discontent and heartache cried out in the darkness, it only shushed it and cajoled it back to sleep. The Child had been hurt before; the Entity would not risk it again as long as it remained on guard.



A small, modest and nondescript stone house rested a little off a beaten path. The only noticeable feature was a large, golden tabby that sat on a stone in front of the yard. While this was unremarkable in and of itself, if one were to visit every day, they would see this cat sitting there, day in and day out, at the same time. This lent to the almost timelessness surrounding the house, as though the flow of passing could not touch it. In a way, perhaps it couldn't at that.

The front door opened, revealing a tired redhead seemingly in her mid to late twenties. However, that was merely the mark of time not truly touching her, as it did with the house. Once known as the famed bandit killer and dragon spooker, Lina Inverse had let her reputation slip in the past few years. She realized she didn't need it anymore. Why bother spouting off a line of aliases when one good fireball said enough? Besides, there wasn't a reason. Reputations were only good for travelers, something Lina hadn't been in a long time.

The sorceress ran her fingers through her hair with a weary sigh. The nurse Amelia hired assured her that Zelgadis was doing well, but privately Lina thought the woman was a few words short of a full spell.

No, that wasn't right. The woman just didn't know the shaman the way the Lina once did.

His skin was made of rock, but he wasn't a stone. Not the Zel she knew.

"How is he, Miss Lina?"

It was on the tip of Lina's tongue to spit out, "How do you think?" But, as seemed to be the case lately after these visits, she just didn't have the energy for it. All she could do was shake her head.

How long has it been like this, she wondered. How long have we been coming here? How long has Amelia always asked the exact same question, and how many times have I just shook my head?

I used to hate ruts. I still do.

Lina had forgotten just when Amelia stopped going in herself, leaving the redhead with most of the burden. When Amelia first told Lina that she couldn't handle it, the redhead was angry. Oh, Lina had been furious. She'd brought the princess to tears in her rage, going so far as to remind Amelia of just why Zel hadn't chosen her. Watching Amelia breakdown, Lina stood there feeling the one thing she hated above anything else, regret. It had taken her awhile to realize that her anger wasn't at Amelia, and for all her posturing, she was only a girl at the time, and a somewhat sheltered one at that. Not like the rest of them...

The sorceress sighed. She knew forming attachments were trouble, but she never expected this.

And that wasn't even including her own grief over it all.

"Miss Lina, do you think--" A sharp gesture from Lina cut Amelia short. She knew what the princess was going to ask, and after hearing it over and over again for years, Lina was simply not in the mood.

"Amelia, how long have we been coming here?"

"Um, for... for some time now."

"Yes. And in that time, has Zel's condition changed?"

The harsh truth, even after so long, still brought tears to Amelia's eyes. She lowered her eyes, fighting to keep them in check.

"No."

"Then do me a favor. Stop asking. I hate answering it, you hate hearing the answer. If he had changed, I'd tell you. More importantly, if he were going to change, he would have done so by now, don't you think?"

"But--"

"But he's not. The stupid jerk is being a prick and locking himself up in there, and neither you nor I can get through to him. The sooner you accept this--"

"I can't!" Amelia cried. I can't, I won't believe that Mister Zelgadis would just abandon us like this, just like I can't believe Mister Gourry is--"

"Shut up! Just shut up, Amelia! I don't want to hear it! I swear if you say another word I will say fuck the world and cast a Giga slave right here on the spot, so just shut your mouth right now!"

The princess wisely kept her silence, cursing her own stupidity. I really shouldn't have mentioned his name, she thought brokenly. She weathered Lina's glare until the redhead calmed down enough to get her thoughts back under control.

"C'mon, Amelia. I'm hungry, and you're buying."

Amelia didn't argue. She still felt awful at leaving Lina to shoulder the weight of these visits. Buying her lunch afterward didn't seem like penance enough. It was also a part of their ritual.

"Yes, Miss Lina."

The two walked away from the house, the only ones who marked the passage of time both within and without.



It heard the words, though the sounds were just random noise to it. Yet from the loudness and sharp tones, it seemed one of Them was angry. Once, such a thing might have mattered, but no longer. They were gone now, and it had survived another attack.

It would enjoy peace, if only for a few hours.



"I'm sorry, Amelia."

The Saillune princess looked up from her plate. Of all the things she thought she'd never hear from Lina Inverse's mouth, that had to at least be in the top three.

"Pardon?"

Lina just sighed, a sound Amelia had gotten used to since everything had fallen apart for them. "Back there, blowing up like that, I'm sorry. I guess it's still hard thinking about him. I've tried not to, you know? Thought it'd be easier just to try and forget."

Or rather to run away again, Amelia thought. But she wasn't as stupid as she used to be, so the princess kept her mouth shut on that one.

"But I couldn't forget. I can't forget. Every time I look at Zel, I remember. And you know something? I'm still pissed. If he'd just let us go with him, the idiot would still be here. So would Zel..." Lina turned away, hating the sound of her voice breaking as it did. Twenty years and she still got emotional. Just another thing she blamed on their missing friend.

"Actually, Miss Lina, well..." The truth wasn't easy, Amelia knew this firsthand, but she had to say something. "I--that is, I always felt better talking about things. My father used to talk about my mom to me. It helped him, and I felt like I still had a part of her with me through him."

"Don't know, Amelia. On one hand, I'm so pissed at him I'm tempted to go find some good necromancy books, haul his ass back, then choke the hell out of him. On the other, I--"

"Just wish he'd come back?"

There was no avoiding that truth, and Lina didn't feel like trying, not anymore. "Yeah, something like that."

"Miss Lina?"

"Yeah?"

"So do I."

"Heh. Well after twenty years, I don't think yogurt brains is coming back."

"But the ship was never found, and there's still parts of the world we haven't been to. Remember what happened after Phibrizzo was destroyed."

"Come on, Amelia. It's been twenty years. If he were still alive, he'd have found a way back. As thickheaded as he was, the guy could--he'd find us, no matter what. You honestly think he's still alive?"

"Yes. I have to. It's the only thing that let's me get up in the morning. One day I know I'll see him again, and Mister Zelgadis will be okay then. It's silly, I know. And you're right, it's been a long time, but I can't not hope. It's not something I can shut off whenever I feel like it." Amelia twisted her napkin in her hands a bit as she looked down. "I guess you can say I'm just as thick in the head as he is."

A weak smile tugged at the redhead's lips. "Won't argue with you on that one." She got up, tossing a napkin down on her empty plate. "C'mon, let's go before your dad sends the hounds and guards after us."

"Right." The princess stood up as well, intending to pay for their meal. Lina's appetite had also suffered, which was fine by Amelia's wallet. She turned around, only to run right into someone walking past. From the feel of it, the person was a bit tall, and solidly built. The only thing saving Amelia from landing back on her ass was a pair of strong arms that instantly wrapped around her to keep the princess on her feet.

"Sorry about that, ma'am."

"Oh, heh, it's all ri--" Wait a second, the voice. Amelia glanced up, almost positive her hearing had gone out the way her father's had. Having her eyes confirm what her ears picked up didn't really help much, though. "Gourry?"

"Amelia? Whoa, man, didn't think I'd run into you he--ack!" The blonde felt his air and life being crushed out of him by the unusually strong grip he found himself trapped in. "...air..."

"OhmygodIcan'tbelieveitit'sreallyyouisn'titohMisterGourryIneverstoppedhopingandnowyou're
backandthatmeansMisterZelgadiswillwakeupandeverythingwillbeokayagainandohgodsImissedyousomuch
pleasedon'tevereverleaveusagainMisterGourry!"

"...air..."

"Amelia, what are you doing?" Once she realized the princess hadn't followed her, Lina had made her way back to see what the holdup was. "What the hell is going o--"

The redhead blinked once, twice, then silently pulled the now weeping Amelia off Gourry. The blonde sagged, swallowing large amounts of air to get it flowing back into his lungs.

"Have you been wheeze working out pant Amelia?" He stood up, his eyes quickly fixing on the other woman. "Lina? Wow, I found you, too! This is great." Gourry frowned before kneeling down until his eyes were at chest level with the sorceress. "Gee, after all this time, I thought they'd be bigger than that."

On that day, the reputation of the infamous first lady of massive destruction, Lina Inverse, was reborn in the fiery blaze of a Dragu Slave.



"We finally get him back, and you try to kill him! Miss Lina, how could you?"

"The moron had it coming! Twenty years, twenty years, and all he can say is he thought my boobs would be bigger?!"

"Well..."

"It's not like I didn't try and grow them out, thankyouverymuch!"

"Ah heh." Despite the sorceress's temper, Amelia couldn't help laughing inside. It sounded so much like old times that she couldn't help herself.

Not quite. But with Gourry back, Zelgadis will have to be okay. Amelia's ruminations were broken by a soft moan from the bed.

"Oh man, what hit me."

"Miss Lina's Dragu Slave, Mister Gourry."

"And you're damn lucky I was using a weak one! The nerve of you!" Before either Amelia or Gourry could react, the redhead pounced. She straddled Gourry's hips as her fists knotted up in his shirt and proceeded to shake the living daylights out of him. "How dare you disappear for twenty years without a word! We thought you were dead! And then you come back like everything's okay, and talk about my chest?!" At this the blonde was hauled unceremoniously to his feet, an amazing trick considering Lina was still shorter than Gourry. "I oughta ring your damn neck, you freaking asshole!"

"Ack--Lina--wait, I can explain..." The poor blonde couldn't get a word in, the world a blur as Lina continued her unbridled assault.

"You damn well better explain! And for twenty years, it better be the best excuse you've ever come up with, and your stupidity ain't gonna cut it!"

"Miss Lina, he can't say anything if you keep shaking him like that."

"Huh?" The redhead blinked. One thing Amelia had acquired in the last two decades was a voice of reason. Surprisingly, it actually worked on Lina, most times, anyway. "Oh, yeah, right." She let the blonde drop back to bed, seemingly oblivious to the acute case of spiral-eyes she'd given him. "Alright, I stopped, now start talking, Gabriev!"

Gourry shook himself back to semi-normal before looking Lina square in the eye. The first thing she noticed was that the somewhat absentminded look she'd been so used to before was gone. The strange clarity in those blue depths almost startled Lina, but her anger and a good poker face didn't let her show it.

The second thing to catch her attention was his build. She once thought Gourry cute, but calling him babe wasn't even good enough now. His old clothes were gone, in favor of a pair of form fitting, light coloured pants that poured into a pair of boots folded down to the ankles, and a loose, front opened, white shirt that showed off a smooth expanse of chest. Along with the nicely defined, new muscle came a new hairstyle. Most of the blond locks were now swept back in a ponytail that hung to somewhere just below his ass. And what a fine ass--stop that, Inverse! Some of his bangs still feel forward, now framing his face without hiding his right eye.

Perhaps the most surprising difference on Gourry was an odd black choker with a gem around his neck. Adornments had never seemed his style before, even if it looked rather nice on the blonde.

Okay, the new and improved designer Gourry was nice eye candy, but it didn't cool Lina's temper too much. She told herself he was only doing it to distract her. Unfortunately, it was halfway working.

"Spill, Gourry."

"I will." Sighing, Gourry sat back down on the bed. That's when Lina noticed another, more startling change: a streak of white from Gourry's left temple. Just before it was a small, stylized sun tattoo, all but hidden by his thick bangs. This cooled Lina ire, the redhead reaching out until her fingertips almost brushed against his skin.

"Gourry, what..."

"Long story, which I'll tell you if you just listen."

The exasperated tone was so unlike Gourry that for a moment Lina wasn't sure how to take it. She opened her mouth, only to snap it shut. Figuring she'd better just let him explain himself, Lina took the seat she'd abandoned earlier and sat down.

"Alright, Gourry, we're listening."

"Good." He closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at Lina. "You remember why I left."

"Duh. Needed a new sword. If you weren't so damn stubborn and let us go with you--"

"Lina!" Gourry's tone shut Lina right up. Not so much because of the sharp sound itself, but just from the fact that it came from Gourry of all people.

"Maybe we should hear him out, Miss Lina," Amelia offered.

Good idea, because this isn't the Gourry we used to know.

The blonde nodded to Amelia before continuing. "I couldn't explain it then anymore than I can now, except to say that maybe I had to go through what I did." Gourry held up a hand, forestalling the questions he could see in both his friends' eyes. "Please, just let me. Anyway, I knew I wouldn't find it here. Again, I don't know how, I just knew. So I caught a boat back to the dragonlands."

The dragonlands were what they'd all nicknamed Filia's homeland, since they all agreed the place had been full of it... and dragons.

"But you never made it," the princess murmured. Lina nodded, both of them remembering the news sent to them that the boat Gourry'd taken had been caught in a storm and disappeared, presumed to have gone under. The next day, Zelgadis went to "sleep."

"No. The ship crashed somewhere else."

This was news, since most of the outside world had been explored, or so the two women thought.

"Somewhere else?" Lina leaned forward, a spark of her old adventuring self stirring. "Another country?"

"Continent, though a small one. You'll hear about them soon, since their own seal's been broken."

"Wha--?"

Gourry just gave a tired grin. "Told you this was going to be a long story. The native people call this place Samdhya (1), and the magic there is unlike anything you've ever seen before. There's no white or black. They call it sawol-kuu (2). The closest I could translate it to for us would be cosmic soul."

"Say what?" Even though Lina had a hard time believing that, still, the thought of new magic just waiting to be learned was too enticing.

"Cosmic soul, spirit magic, universal spirit magic... it's hard to translate. Basically, it's magic whose energy stems from the universal flow, directed by the spirit and will of the person. And since each person's spirit is different--"

"Then their magic would be different. Everyone would be a completely unique mage. Sweet mother, the potential of that..." Lina trailed off when Gourry shook his head. "What? What is it?"

"It's not as simple as that. If you were to go over there, your powers are so great that, without their training, it could rip you apart the minute you tried to cast something as simple as a fireball."

"Ah heh." Okay, scratch that idea.

"Pardon me, Mister Gourry, but, is--did you get smarter there?" The blush couldn't be helped. Amelia knew how that sounded, but she had to know. Fortunately, Gourry only smiled.

"Yeah. Couldn't use my new sword and still have a jellyfish for brains." He ignored the choking fit from Lina as he continued. "So I crashed there, but I couldn't get out.

"Why not?" Lina remembered him mentioning a seal being broken. Was that it?

"There was a seal, a barrier around it the same way there was here, before Phibrizzo was destroyed."

Amelia couldn't believe it. "How is that possible? All the Mazoku lords were holding up the seal here--"

"Simple, the Mazoku there had found another piece of Shabranigdo."

The color fled from both his friends' faces, though only Lina and Gourry knew what it truly was like to deal with the Demon Lord himself.

"Wait wait wait," Lina shook her head. "If they found a piece of him, why didn't they try and resurrect him?"

"They didn't want him resurrected, for one," the blonde said.

"What? But they're Mazoku. Isn't that what they all want?" The princess was getting more confused by the minute. "I mean, if he's their king or something like that, wouldn't they try to bring him back? I thought that's what all Mazoku were mainly out to do."

"Are you sure about that, Amelia?"

Amelia opened her mouth, then closed it. Once she would have been positive about that. But now, well, the universe felt like it flopped on its side and was grinning at her.

"Well, if they weren't trying to bring him back, what were they doing with that piece?"

"They just wanted to keep and control what they felt was theirs, even though it wasn't." Gourry leaned back, looking oddly tired for a moment. "But that's a lot of history I really don't feel like getting into right now. Better let me just finish this.

"The seal around Samdhya would let people and objects come in, but not leave. So those of us who survived the trip found out we were stuck. I didn't mind too much, I was still looking for a sword. I didn't know that I was supposed to be there. Funny, I always thought it was Lina destined to do everything. It was pretty amazing to realize I was on another journey of Fate, only I was the chosen one."

The sorceress snorted. "Heh, I need a break sometimes."

"I'd imagine so. There was an old shaman there who insisted I was the one who would free them of the Mazoku controlling the place. Tried to tell him that I couldn't do much of anything without a sword, but he just waved it on, saying the sword I'd need would come to me. He was right. Took tromping all over the continent, but he was right." Gourry tapped the small tattoo at his temple. "This just proves it."

"Huh?" Lina didn't get it. "How? What is it?"

"My mark. Everybody had one. It marks your soul, so they can recognize you. Too long to explain, but this proves that I can wield the Nikkou no Ken."

"...sword of sunlight?" It made a weird kind of sense to Lina that Gourry would find a sword like that.

"But I don't see a sword on you, Mister Gourry."

The blonde just smiled. "Not all magic is in the form of spells, Amelia. This sword is just my own spirit energy focused into a blade I summon at will."

"Like Miss Lina's Ragna Blade?"

"Not really. It's not even like the Light Sword, since anyone could use that as well. This is powered by my will and mine alone. Even if I were to teach someone how to conjure the blade, it either wouldn't work at all, or the sword created would be uniquely their own. And so far, no swords made this way stand up to mine."

Damn, and I was all ready to see if I could get it off him, Lina thought.

"So what happened, Mister Gourry?"

"To make a long story short, I couldn't let someone else do the thinking for me anymore. In a nutshell, if I ever wanted to leave, I'd have to learn how to use the sword, then destroy the seal. The only way to do that would be to destroy the Mazoku using the piece of Shabranigdo to form it in the first place."

"Why didn't you just destroy the piece while you were at it? That's what I would've done."

"Miss Lina..."

"That did cross my mind," Gourry replied, "but two things stopped me. One, in order to destroy a piece of Shabranigdo, I'd either need something of Ceiphied, or I'd have to call on the powers of the Lord of Nightmares. I didn't have the first, and I didn't have the right person with me to do the second."

Lina automatically assumed the blonde was referring to herself. Amelia as well, but the look on Gourry's face cause the princess to question that assumption.

"So you did them in? The Mazoku, I mean?" Dumb question on Lina's part, considering, but she wasn't yet used to the new Gourry or his mental upgrade.

"Yes. Took almost everything I had. The piece of Shabranigdo had given them powers nearly equal to the five Lords, so they called themselves that, or rather, ladies: Lady Kivutar, Lady Vanmatar, Lady Tounetar, and the leader, Lady Kalma.(3) The last fight was with Kalma. I don't even remember how I got out of the mountain before it caved in after she died. I'd just collapsed. When I woke up, the old shaman said I'd been asleep for awhile. From what I could make out, "awhile" had been more like a few months. But the seal was gone, and the Samdhyans were already talking about going out to see the new worlds. They were kind enough to let me get on one of the first boats they'd built to try and get back. Stopped off in the dragonlands, then finally paid for a trip back here. Landed about a week ago. I'd been asking around, but a lot of people said you didn't pop up any more, Lina. If I hadn't ran into Amelia, I'd still be looking. Why is that?"

Both Amelia and Lina had been so caught up in Gourry's tale they'd hoped it wouldn't end just for that question, because it would mean having to explain about Zelgadis. Neither were sure how Gourry would take hearing his lover had stayed in a catatonic state for the last twenty years.

"Well, Mister Gourry, you see..." Amelia trailed off, looking up when Lina placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Better to just show you, Gourry."

"Alright, but let's make it fast. I want to try and find Zel--"

"You'll see him soon enough," Lina said as she walked out the door. Cryptic was never her style, so Gourry felt the shiver down his spine justified.

"Alright." He followed Amelia out, the two taking lead. If their looks were any indication, things were even worse than he'd imagined for his friend-come-lover.

Zel...



The Entity could feel it on the very edge of awareness. It rose up, preparing to defend itself against the coming storm, but a presence older and far stronger prevented it. Though it could not feel, and ensured that the Child remained safe, a ripple of something not unlike fear made itself known. For there was in all living things a desire to continue existing, at least until its purpose had been fulfilled. But this other presence reassured the Entity. It had done what it set out to do. It would be alright.

But if I sleep now, the Child will be hurt again.

It is alright. Pain is inevitable. In time, even without the knowledge of Him ever returning, it had never been our intention to force the Child to sleep forever. Only until either He returned, or I knew he no longer walked among us.

You knew? If you knew, then why was I allowed to remain?

To protect us until he returned. I feared losing ourselves if we'd continued as always. It has been our way before. I feared losing myself in the wake of the Child's pain, for I'd have been suppressed, and ultimately forgotten.

What happens now? Will I cease to be?

No. You have always been, just never as aware until I called you. You may rest now, for I know you have guarded us for too long.

I do not wish to awaken like this again. I am tired.

I know. Hopefully you will never have to.

The Entity felt blanketed in emotions both strange and familiar. Unlike with the Others, it did not feel a need to resist, and soon the Entity was carried off to its place of rest within the heart of the other presence.



"He's been like this, for twenty years?"

"Yes. The nurse had taken care of him for the most part. The magic in his own body has kept him alive, though he wouldn't eat and I don't know if he sleeps. All he does is stare out the window." This was the part Lina had dreaded, and the look on Gourry's face let her know she'd been right to do so. Whatever hope laid in the blue depths of his eyes were quickly fading. Yet, if Zelgadis were to have even a chance of coming back to them, the sorceress knew she couldn't let that happen.

"He became like this the day after we all found out about your ship. We both knew how much you meant to him. If it were me, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. Hell, you saw how Amelia and I reacted when we found out about you two, back when we were still confusing infatuation for love."

Despite the pain of seeing his lover like this, Gourry still managed a weak chuckle. "Don't remind me, I still have the scars from that." His humor died quickly as he stepped forward, kneeling down next to the catatonic shaman while covering one of the unmoving stone hands with his own. "But, but still..."

"But nothing, they all stink anyway. What I'm trying to say is, if we went that nuts just from a crush, then can you really blame him for just going to sleep like this? He probably knew what would happen if he didn't. A rampaging Zel is not my idea of a good time."

"Maybe," Gourry mumbled, "but how do we know he'll wake up now? What if he's been 'asleep' for too long? Or what if he just hates me now? I don't know what I'd do if--"

"Hmph. You might've gotten smarter, but you've still got a jellyfish brain." Lina held up her hand to stall the blonde. "It's been twenty years, Gourry. He's probably not used to the sound of your voice. He's probably not used to anything. Just give him a chance."

"A chance." In truth, it was all Gourry had. Nodding to himself, he looked up at Lina, offering the redhead a smile. "Right. Maybe I could be alone with him for awhile, then?"

"Sure. Amelia and I are going to get some supplies. Figured we might as well stay here awhile."

"Good idea." Gourry turned back to his lover, calling out when he heard the door open. "And Lina?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for taking care of him."

The woman just snorted softly. "Dummy, he's our friend, too." She left quietly, the two now alone in the small bedroom. Without a sound, Gourry pulled Zelgadis to his feet, feeling his own heart crack as the shaman let himself be led without question, his movements stiff and unnatural. Gourry settled him in the bed, then sat on the side, his fingers brushing at the unruly, metal bangs.

"I guess nobody knew how to cut your hair. It's halfway down your back, you know. And your bangs are about at your shoulders. I can imagine the nurse breaking the scissors the first time she tried cutting it. You need a trim, but the long look is good for you."

Nothing. Not so much as a flicker. Gourry sighed. Lina said it would take time. I waited twenty years. At least I'm with him now. I'll wait twice that long if I have to. He stroked the blue-grey hair a bit more before moving his hand back to Zel's.

"I'm sorry it took me so long. I really tried to hurry up, but you above all people should know what a slow learner I am. I probably would have given up if I didn't know you were over here waiting for me. Did I really make you wait too long, though? Wait, stupid question. Yet I can't help but feel that you have been waiting for me. You could have gone and found someone else. And don't start on me about your looks. Amelia had a crush on you. So did Lina, in truth. Even Martina, though she's psycho. Despite being in drag, you couldn't hide your face, and Miwan still had something for you. Okay, I know you don't like bringing that fiasco up, but it's true. There were others, I just didn't tell you because, hell, I was jealous. There, I admitted it. Though some of them would've just made you sick. I know they did me." Gourry sighed. He wasn't sure if any of this was actually reaching Zel, but he preferred babbling to the near suffocating silence if he stopped.

"The point is, your looks were never as bad as you thought. They weren't enough to deter a lot of people from getting a crush on you. So you could have found someone new. You could have had a family by now, teaching your kids all your spells, maybe helping them make up some new ones. But you didn't. I don't like seeing you this way, but I can't help thinking you were waiting for me to get back. I just took too long. I'm sorry, Zel."

His voice cracked, blue eyes burning with the threat of tears. Gourry closed them back before shifting to hide his face against his lover's chest. Give it time, Lina said, but it was so hard to do, especially when the only thing keeping them apart now was the shaman's own mental state. Though he knew he wasn't at fault, Gourry couldn't stop himself from shouldering the blame.

"I'm sorry, Zel. Gods, just anything, something to let me know you're still in there, somewhere. I know I don't have the right to ask anything, but if you can hear me, please, just let me know you can forgive me in time." His fingers curled in the fabric of Zel's shirt, a sob finally tearing itself free of Gourry's control. "Please."

Nothing. Gourry felt his heart breaking, what little hope he clung to slipping through his hands. His throat tightened, a storm of grief ready to overtake him, only it never came. The first sob caught when a gentle hand rested on top of the blonde's head. Blinking, Gourry quickly took count of his own hands. Nope, he could see both of his, and he knew he hadn't grown any extra ones, which left only one person. And while he didn't want to move for fear of dislodging that hand, the blonde simple had to know. He had to be sure.

Blue eyes traveled up, his heart skipping a beat when they locked with the inhuman pair belonging solely to his lover. Even when Zel blinked, Gourry couldn't tear himself away. The silence didn't overwhelm this time. It simple waited, as did time itself.

Only when Zel gave one of his familiar half-smiles did Gourry dare to breathe again. The voice, raspy and weak from unuse, was still the most beautiful sound the blonde had ever heard.

"Welcome home, Gourry."

For twenty years Gourry wondered what he'd say when he finally saw his lover again. Now, sitting there with perhaps the goofiest, brightest grin on his face, the blonde didn't have to think about it. He knew.

"You too, Zel. You too."

~ end ~



1. No bearing on the fic, but is actually the name of an Indian Goddess of twilight, a nature Goddess. [return]
2. A word made up of two actual words, sawol is Old English for soul, kuu is Finnish for 'the moon.' [return]
3. Actual Finnish Goddess names. Kivutar - Goddess of illness. Vanmatar - Goddess of pain and disease. Tounetar - Goddess of the underworld. Kalma - Goddess of death. [return]