"I am an alien in this town"
05 / 21 / 03
thoughtful
Warning: The racial statements in this post may be uncomfortable to some, especially those living in tall, stone castles without having any experience in the real world, or those who wear rose colored glasses and horse blinders.
Rant/Thought: (reflection on the mental and emotional costs to living here)
I feel the following appropriately reflects the sad state of affairs in the area I'm financially forced to live in at this time.
There is a very small library a block away from me. It mainly has children's books, video tapes, and computer access. However, mom uses it to request books from other libraries, which are then mailed to the local one for her to check out.
Well, after the big todo about the Dante's Inferno test, I realized I had never read it, and sought to correct that mistake. I asked if she would request this for me the next time she went to the library. (Mind you, I admit my ignorance in saying I've no clue how big/little this thing is, so I'm not sure if it's a book, a short story, or what.) Mom does just that, but the library sending the book mailed the wrong one. It was a analytical notation by someone else who picked Dante's Inferno apart and gave his own interpretation. The only thing this accomplished was in letting me know that Dante's Inferno appears to be just one third of The Divine Comedy, and is in fact something of a poem, yet not, yet more. (It also told me a bit about Dante himself, but I won't go into that.) Since the book told us little else, Mom returned to the library to order the correct item.
Here is where it gets sad, because the librarian who noticed what mom was requesting asked her if she liked the classics. (She does like certain classics, but our tastes run differently.) She informed the librarian that I was the one who wanted it, to which the librarian was very surprised and encouraging. Why? Because things like that never get requested around here. I'd wager a guess that not more than ten people who live in this area bother using the library to actually request/get books anyway. All I ever see are classes from school, so the kids go over to the children's book, and people checking out video tapes.
It's little wonder I feel like an alien around here. Reading is seen as one trying to be smart, and smart is apparently associated with either being snobby, or worse, being "white".
(For the record, at the rate things are going, I'm claiming neither white, black, red, or any other possible skin color associated with ethinicty. All forms asking for race get the same answer, human.)
Another sad thought came to me when I realized there are still parts of this supposedly great country where I would be considered a "uppity nigger."
Then there's the separation I'm undergoing in what should be my own race, because my particular shade is lighter than a few others (big fat fucking deal). This plus the fact that I don't like to be an ignorant, weed-smoking layabout does not sit well with the natives.
Just a few moments ago I was watching The Color Purple, for the upteenth time in my life. At one point when Celie is reading the letters from her sister, she mentioned how this one tribe in Africa didn't believe in educating their females. She said Celie's daughter remarked that they act like white people in that regard (circa 1930s). I found myself thinking that now black people are committing the same crime to their own, regardless of gender. It's more important to get one's hair and nails done, or get a nickle or dime bag of chronic, than it is to read a book, or hell, even the newspaper.
But I can't be surprised. This kind of thinking starts in the very school systems. Forget the fact that it's dangerous as hell now, because when I attended, it wasn't that violent (it was bad, but not that bad). No, it's not violence so much that I had to struggle against as it was apathy. You have teachers that do not give a damn if a child learns or not. My sister told us there was a teacher in our middle school who said, "I got mine." Well that's just peachy. You can sit your butt in the chair and not give a rat's ass. No, don't tell me that there isn't one person in a group of 35 or more that does not want to learn, because I know for a fact that's not true. What happens is they see someone who's suppose to be in a position to want to teach not give a shit. So why the hell should they?
Just give a little, and you will find that one person who would like very much to learn. One. Don't tell me one person out of a class isn't worth it. Because teach, if you honestly feel that way, you got into the wrong career.
I was that one, you know. But when you're dealing with apathetic teachers, apathetic admin and no support whatsoever, then you do fail. Miserably, might I add. I couldn't help but shoot myself in the foot, and I'll probably regret it to this day.
I would love to go to college. I doubt if that will be possible. I never took the SAT, ACT, or anything remotely close to college prep. The little college I did take was screwed because of my own condition and the fact that I didn't know I had a condition. So my educational history isn't something that's going to get me into any college I can think of (though if I could, I'd go to Mills. Kit made it sound incredible, and I admit the all women atmosphere means I don't have to deal with stupid male superioty complexes I've seen in most schools.) I blame myself, I really do. But I will forever wonder what would have happened if one of those teachers had just given half a pigeon's shit.
Still, I can't brood. I do get depressed from time to time, especially reading about everyone's college plans, but I just keep going. I learn what I can online and try to take some heart in just having the knowledge, regardless of if I get a small peice of paper saying I know it anyway.
But learning is difficult when you're surrounded by people who will do what they can so that you don't. And they will make sure you know that in persuing anything of an intellectual nature will forever brand you as an outcast. It gets to the point where I do wonder if I will fit anywhere I happen to go.
And to prove there's more to anime that nice plots and gorgeous character designs, I'm reminded of something Inuyasha said. He wasn't human, he wasn't demon. He thought he didn't have a place anywhere. Then he realized he did have a place, and it was only big enough for him.
Sorry, spammers forced my hand. Comments reviewed before being published.
Comments: 2 winds
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You're right. I read the Color Purple when I was seventeen and it's easily one of the best books I have read, and I hate reading novels.
::hugs:: all we can really do is better ourselves and rise up from the stereotypes.
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That's why I want to move to Alaska to mush dogs: a five minute drive from any city, and you'd never know that people even still existed.
( 7:08 pm )