Raine: Sit back, this will get long...
Saying this is going to be a lot easier than doing it. It took me a few years to get past that point where my sperm-donor made me mad to just, well... now, I'm simply apathetic. And since I don't know the whole story, what I'm about relate to you may not apply entirely to your own problems, but maybe it will help in some way.
I had one of those dead-beat dads. I don't even like using the term "dad" because it implies a relationship of sorts. In truth, I'm 26, now and I can count the number of times I've seen this man on one hand in my entire life. Hence the new term, sperm-donor.
Anyway, at one point, when I began to realize what a dad should be like, I was angry, to say the least. Worse, on one of those rare times when I was to see him (I called him to tell him my grandmother died. He said something a little flippant about that being life until he realized it was me and not one of his other daughters), I stayed at his place for a night, then the next I went out with a friend and her family. Well, the affair we went to ended late, and the bus never showed up, so we were late getting to her place.
The man didn't even hear me out, but simply accused me of sleeping around. Nevermind the fact I was with two adults who could vouch for me at the time. He took me home (with a fair amount of words exchange) and I didn't see him again up until about a year ago. During that time he fled (and I mean fled) Cali due to some charges. What, I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't care. He's lucky I'm not vindictive, since I could easily point the cops in his direction.
So he pops back up. He glosses over that incident. I've since found out he's the father of two twin girls, half-Korean, but he says he's not. Further info came to past that while hardly any of his daughters know him, he's been in contact with nearly all his sons.
Had all this come about when I was still in my teens, I'd probably have been very upset. Now, though, I don't care. Really. At this point I'm not sure if he's even still alive (when I last saw him I found he's got massive heart problems from all the drugs he'll swear up and down he never took. /¬.¬\ ).
The reason I don't care anymore is at some point, I realized I was angry because he wasn't there for me. But I finally figured it out, I didn't need him. He chose not to be a part of my life, and I feel my life as a whole is a lot better because of it. If he's that irresponsible as a parent, why would I need him to screw up my life like he's done to his own.
I'll admit, my apathy is taken to extremes, because I can honestly say I won't feel any loss if I find he is dead. I didn't make the decision for him not to be there, he did. I'm just glad I had a mother who was able to help me be strong enough to say to myself, "I didn't need him after all."
I used to get mad. I used to think about how he should be doing this or that. My older sister's dad was more of a father to me, and he had major issues he was trying to deal with. And I cried when we lost him indirectly to those things, because I think we would have been close if he were here. But there's nothing I can do about that except remember the things I learned, both from his accomplishments and his mistakes.
Therein lies the biggest difference, because from my own sperm-donor, there's no good points to be had from the man.
I'm getting off track. When I was angry, I tended to stress, a lot. When I understood that I didn't have to be mad, that there was really no point in worrying about him at all either as a father or a person, a lot of stress disappeared. So while I do know this is going to be a lot harder to do that me actually typing it, I bet a lot of the stress you feel over your dads is in fact because you still worry about them and their impact on your own life. When you can get passed that and know the only person who can truly have an influence on your life is you, and forget about those who would only cause problems anyway, I'm sure a lot of that stress will disappear.
As for the greymatter question... faith and persistence, lots of the latter.
(edit- LN Fic Heaven? What's that? And Rara's been down, though that forbidden page isn't my doing, as I left a message up saying why Rara was closed.)
