6:02 am as I write. I guess I'm in a depressive state. I wish I were happy, or content, but I doubt if I'd be writing.
I wish I wasn't me. If I weren't me, then every time I surf onto a site that links to the site with that review of Rara, I wouldn't feel so bad to know it's up on the net and getting visitors, while my site is gone, and nobody really cares.
If I weren't me, then it wouldn't hurt to see how people can write and write and write their fics, while whenever I go to do the same, I wonder, what's the point? Does anybody really want to read?
If I weren't me, then whenever I've asked for help in maintaining my sites, I'd actually have gotten some instead of being ignored.
If I were me, then when I send someone an email, they'd let me know if they got it and reply. Especially if it's something I felt was important to them.
If I weren't me, then when I ask a question in a forum, it wouldn't be ignored and passed by for twenty other questions that have already been answered a hundred times before.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't be so closed off and able to share of myself without fear of pain that I've known for most of my life.
If I weren't me, there wouldn't be that pain to begin with.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't have all this self doubt. I would be able to just go and do what I like to do and not worry about anything or anyone.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't be here typing this right now.
But I am.
I just wish I wasn't.
